Porc Therapy 123: Sympathy Friends

Stephanie and Mike talk about whatever issues or questions you have. In this episode:

1) [Listener Feedback] I disagree somewhat on encouragement to talk for the sake of talking. In my own relationship, we are also both very quite people in our nature, and similar to Lauren, I’ve also noticed that we’re happier when we’re talking more, but what really seems to matter is quality over quantity.

2) [Question] Hey Guys,

You know… When I heard the theme song the first time I did some Googling, and when I came up empty handed I just assumed the word was “Manch” and that it was some kind of local slang for people from Manchester. Good to finally know.

I have a question, and this comes from a confluence of friends who have recently asked similar questions of me, as well as a theme I’ve noticed in my own life.

In the last month I’ve had multiple disconnected friends ask me questions like, If someone loses your trust should you remain friends, and if someone loses your respect should you remain friends. My gut reaction has been no. That friendships are voluntary associations, and if you can’t trust or respect a person, for whatever reason, a fruitful relationship isn’t really possible. You don’t have any obligation to remain friends.

But this has not been my behavior throughout my life.

I have a category of friends that someone at some point dubbed a “sympathy friend.” Now, after an audio immersion in Porc Therepy, and Real Time Relationships, and Non Violent Communication that term feels very pejorative to me, but it’s the term I’ve always used. They are people who are socially awkward, sometimes even a little mentally unstable. They can be very juvenile and at times even embarrassing to be around. But I form friendships with them, at least in part, because I’m reluctant to assert firm boundaries. For example, they might ask me to do something with them that I’m not particularly interested in, but I’m not busy and I’m reluctant to say no, so I’ll go. Then, since they usually don’t have many friends, I became their favorite person to invite to stuff.

Occasionally I’ve seen these friends deliberately use guilt as a mechanism when I try to establish boundaries, but mostly I’m the one guilting myself.

These relationships have not been wholly unpleasant. I can enjoy their company in moderation. I often find them to be incredibly loyal friends over time in all the ways that really matter. But I’ve noticed that they are often surrounded by friends who don’t really respect them, even ridicule and demean them, which I’ve never done.

So I guess my question is nebulous… are these real friendships? Is the awkwardness my own fault for not being assertive about boundaries? How do you deal with people who are more enthusiastic about your friendship than you are, but also a little emotionally fragile?

Any Thoughts?

Peace

Agorist Unconference

http://agora.io

needs & feelings inventories

http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory

Center for Non-violent Communication

http://cnvc.org

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