Porc Therapy

Archive for September, 2010

Porc Therapy 084: Abusive Boss

September 28, 2010
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I have a new question for you: How do you deal with an abusive boss? I recently got my first real job out of school and after working there for 4.5 months, I was put on a project directly supervised by one of the firm’s partners (I am an architect and the job in question is designing his house – Lots of potential for conflicts and stressful situations there). As soon as I got on this job, he started making comments completely out of line, mostly regarding the fact that I had very little real professional experience and that at 28, I should be much more advanced in my career.

I am expected to do a lot of things I have no experience doing, with extremely limited guidance. This has gone on for about a month now and I’m reaching my limits. I want to act before it gets worse or too late, but want to do it right, avoid hurting the wrong sensibilities and maybe gain a little bit of trust in the process. How would you suggest I go about taking care of this issue? What’s the best way to tell him I am not to be verbally abused anymore and that I should be treated with respect?

Should you need a more detailed explanation of the situation to prepare a podcast, I’d be happy to provide you with more details.

On another note, I’ve been listening to your podcast for a few months now and it really changed my perspective on interpersonal relationships. I made your motto (communication is key in any relationship) mine and try to apply this to my daily life, so far it’s had only positive effects. I want to encourage you to keep up the good work.

We discuss a few more responess from listeners about various episodes.

Since the last time we spoke at Porcfest, I’ve developed a better understanding of why I tend to avoid relationship agreements, and I’d like to ask a related Porc Therapy question. Here it is. In order to have trust in a relationship, it’s important to have a clear understanding of each other’s wishes and expectations. Making assumptions can be hazardous, especially if a relationship is nontraditional in some way. But on the other hand, agreements can have a legal character, and presenting a partner with a proposed agreement tends to imply a lack of trust. I wouldn’t even be considering an agreement if I didn’t trust my partner already. So what I’d like to know from you guys is what are some ways to communicate expectations without putting people off? Thanks a lot, and I really appreciate all the work you’re doing on Porc Therapy!

We talk with Brett Veinotte, from School Sucks Project (http://SchoolSucksProject.com), about how government school affects adults relationships. Are there embedded lessons or messages from school and childhood that most people can’t seem to escape in their adolescent and adult romantic relationships?

Lessons From School:
1. People can be easily changed
2. It’s dangerous/abnormal/inconsiderate to express your emotions
3. Pay attention to words, ignore deeds

This is something I’ve been trying to figure out what I should think about. There is a small town in Orange County, NY. The town is currently largely controlled by one guy. There are rumors that he approves all candidates for all town offices; what is known is that no one ever wins such elections without being a member of the group that controls the town. The town is listed as officially the poorest in America, yet has very nice houses, leading many to speculate that they are “cheating” on their taxes. No big deal in my book, except that they’re also receiving mammoth amounts of welfare. The public schools teach religious dogma, which brought a supreme court case – the court ruled the arrangement was unconstitutional, then they changed it slightly. But that’s not the issue I wanted to get your opinion on.

The town religious building bought a small plot of land near the border and placed on that land a sign saying “Welcome to [Name of Town]. Please dress appropriately.” The sign then goes on to list what is considered appropriate and inappropriate dress, and also asks visitors to maintain a separation of the sexes – i.e. men and women cannot walk down the street together. It also asks for no public displays of affection. Now, granted, the sign is on private property, but is that really all there is to it? It doesn’t specify any punishment, and nothing on the sign is a law, just a request. But the feeling of “this is our town, you have to follow our rules” seems wrong to me, even if I can’t find the rights infringement. Also surrounding the issue that there’s this group in another country which is known to be violent – the communities there are patrolled by “Morality Patrols” that will brutally attack people who break exactly the rules listed on the signs. Women are known to be beaten there if they refuse to sit in the back of the bus. I hate guilt by association, but isn’t it problematic that they are talking about the same beliefs that propel that kind of behavior?

Further complicating the matter is this – as I said, the town receives massive amounts of welfare. Essentially, it is in many ways supported, in a rather lavish lifestyle, by the surrounding towns. So, the people being targeted by this sign are precisely taxpayers in nearby towns who support this town. Isn’t that a bit odd? Finally, we know what would happen if nearby towns put up signs saying “Welcome to Pleasantville. Please dress appropriately.” and went on to request that men be clean-shaven and refrain from wearing dead beavers on their heads, that all dress as if they lived in modern day America, smell as if they bathe at least weekly… If this sign is ok, why isn’t that one?

What do you think?

Stephanie reads an article where a woman called the cops on her neighbor for an interpersonal conflict, and we discuss this tactic of resolving conflicts (spoiler: don’t call the cops!).

Why do so many liberty-minded folks have such poor people skills? I’m not the first to note this, and I know you guys know plenty of people who will back me up on this… and I even admit I’m certainly not a poster child for How to Win Friends and Influence People (a running joke between me and another long time FSPer), but I think this is symptomatic of a majority of porcupines, and I wonder why?

Is it the individualist attitude unwilling to bend toward others? Is it the anti-authoritarian nature seeing anything ‘normal’ as binding and tight? Is it just lack of social adjustment? Is it lack of a good community and always being an outsider? Will NH cure that? Will single guys move and discover how to date and get married, or will we have a ever growing group of horny single (mostly hetero) guys forever? Not to mention a few crazy single women as well just to be fair.

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